I have been meaning to not just start a blog & then leave it dormant or die of neglect, just a post very irregularly. I've had a couple of topics I wanted to blog about right after the initial 'intro' but then last week my computer died. This gave me another topic to write about;) but the inability to do so. Luckily I had just finished a week of heavy deadlines in my so-called 'journalism' work, but was required to do a couple revisions (a request I almost never receive, I might add). At first it seemed minor enough to key in on the Blackjack II cel phone, with its tiny qwerty keys the size of grains of rice, but later I had to buckle down and head off to Kinko's and actually pay money to use theirs. Oh well, one more receipt to turn in to the taxman, since I am resolved to write off anything possible to help allay my indebtedness to the feds, which is another ugly story I won't delve into now.
When personal computers first entered the mainstream in the 1980's, I was just entering the university environment, and resolved not to use them. I could see, in my Philip K. Dick-induced paranoia, that the goal or 'point' of their existence, in the evolutionary sense, is to become ubiquitous, by instilling our dependence on them. Like the evolutionary purpose of the human species is simply to promulgate itself. The two are intertwined, and I really believe we will 'progress' to nano-computer bot machines in the human body.
I realized that it would become pointless to fight it, but would forestall it as long as possible. Still, I wrote a bizarre sci-fi Dick-derivative novel or two on an odd word processing device I kinda wish I still had, as a curiosity. I DO still have my Motorola brick flip phone, great movie prop for an 80's period piece film, along with my 'power ties.' When I returned to graduate school in creative writing (what was I thinking?) in the late 80's/early 90's, it was the heyday of the CD-Rom. I didn't have a computer at all; I composed and typed the final draft of my poetry thesis on an electric typewriter, corrections with white-out (the most expensive white paint you will ever buy) creating the required three copies by hand.
I have always been strongly attracted by McLuhan's idea that the medium is the message, or at least shapes and conditions the type of messages possible to send & receive. McLuhan had his more than 15 minutes of fame in the 60's, my favorite historical period, and in a way was a more intellectual version of Andy Warhol, with hip entourage. The medium is evolving too, since we created the computer and the various online media, at the same time as it shapes us. More and more life is lived online, and the consequences aren't yet fully apparent. Okay enough stating the obvious, the above was just a prologue to my own experiences in the 'maelstrom,' as McLuhan called the environment in which technology is more & more taking the place of nature.
I got an anemic desktop from a local home furnishing store around 1994, got on AOL & chatted a bit, as my chronic shyness even online would allow. When the marriage I was in was failing, my soon-to-be ex met someone in a chat room, which didn't bother me quite as much as not being able to get on the computer! I'm only partly kidding there. There are certain sounds, like the dialup modem connection chortle, that had never been heard before and now in the broadband world will never be heard again, a historical curiosity.
As I began freelance writing for local papers, I found the computer a necessity. The very first gig with The Event Newspaper, I took my notes to the editor's house & keyed it into a primitive Apple with tiny built-in screen, and he explained how to move the cursor around the monochromatic monitor and how to 'save' things. Then later at the same fine news organ, I worked in the office compiling calendar in addition to my own writing, & experienced the joy of the iMacs, still however using dialup and ploddingly slow download. Since the internet was exploding at about that time. My personal website, which I hope to resurrect soon, I stayed up all night New Years Eve to 'go live' Jan 1, 2000, thus flipping the bird to Y2K. While others were out partying; how big of a geek is that! I still had my first desktop, but had to save stories on a 3" disk and physically convey to the office, had no internet. About 1999, I sprung for a newer, comparatively faster eMachine desktop, which bore a sticker claiming to be 'infinitely upgradable' or some such marketing copy. 'Never obsolete' LOLTIPUMG. Laugh out loud till I puke up my gutz.
Then I worked at SLUG Magazine, which had nicer Macs, actually tailored to design work. My wife at the time (how many times will that phrase appear? actually this is the last time) was a Mac design freak person, and mac v. windows was the very least of our arguments. But I have seen the appeal of the clean lines, the sexy design of the Mac v. the clunky yet utilitarian windows machines. I would likely buy a Mac but the prices are a huge block. After that marriage ended @ 2006, I entered the new millenium in earnest, getting a spiffy if marked-down Gateway laptop, with built-in wireless so I could go to coffee shops etc. Shortly after that I entered another relationship with a Mac girl (and also a vegan again--next time no vegans need apply) and the evangelism of Apple fandom anew, which is to other tech evangelism like Scientology is to other cults. I do have an iPod, and love it.
Now again I am unattached romantically, yet my relationship with my computer is so strong to be almost dysfunctional. I have gotten viruses a couple of times, performed restore, but last week I had to consult a professional, a friend of mine to whom I am indebted for an evening of Red Lobster fineries. But while I was without the laptop an entire week I was undergoing a serious jones, severe withdrawal. I was considering buying a new one instead of paying bills next payday. Luckily I only had one and a half stories due, and went into the office of City Weekly, my main freelance gig now, to use a computer and have some cursory, awkward interaction with 'real' career journalists.
My personal email, and other current online addictions--mostly twitter and Facebook--had to be transacted through the Blackjack II (rather have an iPhone but got this phone free on Amazon, OK?) and its iffy Windows Mobile interface. It just wasn't the same, especially on Facebook with all its add-ons and doodads and little gifts (watch my Facebook for something special there soon!) I mentioned on twitter that getting the pooter back was like a 'geek Christmas!'
The online experience of interacting with people is so singular that it's incredibly awkward for me to meet people in person for the first time. I have experienced this weird incongruity several times, most recently last night I was going to meet a large group of friends from twitter and had a major panic attack and found myself at the door of the establishment unable to go inside. I went home and drank to the Obama inauguration and some kind of resuscitation of my social life. I actually have a number of friends (witness the IT guy who dropped everything to rescue my laptop) but even those I have stood in the same room with and live in my town, I mostly interact with via email, txting etc.
I have to admit I am somewhat awkward in the best of circumstances, even with people I know; there are only a few decades-long friends I feel completely comfortable with. I am hoping that talking to people online will make social interactions less awkward for me, instead of more so. In some ways it is, in some not, recited above. It's an ongoing process for me, as everyone, and it is fascinating to observe the interactions and drama. Twitter, in particular, is a huge conversation, disembodied voices, an echo chamber, arena for everything from marketing to meta-analysis; incredibly fascinating to observe and be a part of.
There's a theory, I probably didn't invent it, that you aren't really in a relationship until you have a 'meta-conversation' about the relationship. Those are the kind of conversations women stereotypically love and men hate. But it says something about language, that it defines our identity. Extending the theory, 'you' consist of your definitions of yourself in large part because they determine how you will behave in the world. The medium is the message. The 'is' is the sticky part there to me; we don't 'exist' as objects but inhabit a fluid, constantly changing existence in the world.
I distrust anything that I feel I am overly dependent on, but need relationships very deeply. I am possessed of a very profound sense of loneliness that sometimes persists even in the midst of close friendships and romantic partnerships with others. This may partly explain my success/failure in relationships, as well as my relationship with my computer.
Getting the computer back, I immediately engaged in the tasks of downloading all the software I lost; Firefox, iTunes etc. to get the computer back to 'my computer.' Luckily I didn't lose any files I couldn't live without. We all have the certain little ways we like our machines set up, down to the wallpaper. We have our favorite ways of interacting; from the AOL chat room we have gone to twitter, Facebook and others to fit anyone's style and personality.
More and more, you are your computer.
